Almost Heaven by Judith McNaught

book review February 17, 2012 Comments: 4

When last we met, I had just read a book (not to be confused with a work of literature) featuring an iron-thewed Highland Laird and his lady love, a Victim of Circumstance. Now, as I go through this phase, I’m all for a man can bench press Stonehenge and glower at me lovingly; however, while the whole Laird thing will do in a pinch, the Highlands are cold and damp, and I’d be constantly chilled to the bone, no matter how closely the hero “pulled me to his warmth”. Plus wool makes me itchy. What I need is a Reformed Rake to Make the Best Husband. He’s the charming, cynical bastard at the heart of most historical romance novels. It makes for better repartee and what’s the point of reading, if the man in question isn’t intelligent, magnetic and devastatingly seductive? Let me answer that for you: There is no point at all. Judith McNaught knows her way around a charming bastard: They require a lot of forgiveness and she makes sure he is worth it. The gentleman in question is so entirely delicious, and such a magnificent combination of everything swoonworthy, that I’d forgive him 17 times too. Almost Heaven is silly, the writing is overwrought yet strangely repetitive, and, oh my God, I LOVED EVERY SINGLE PAGE, even the ones I skipped to get back to the love story.

The Sacrificial Lamb of Almost Heaven, Elizabeth Cameron, is a Countess who will lose her beloved ancestral home should she marry against her vile and greedy uncle’s wishes. Because romance novel heroines are basically PG13 Disney princesses, she also has a worthless brother complicating things, and a household staff that dotes on her every move. Elizabeth is quite young, but I ignore that part. If I can ignore all the other strains on credulity, I can certainly pretend she is 5 years older. She is, of course, beautiful, but Elizabeth is also educated, independent and proud. Pride is considered a virtue in these books. I assume it’s their tenuous connection to the ultimate romance novel Pride and Prejudice. There are worse places to start. It also helps delay the denouement because everyone has to get over themselves for the happy ending to be achieved.

When the novel opens, Elizabeth is in disgrace because on the cusp on announcing her engagement to an appropriate young man, she met gambler Ian Thornton at a house party. He is gorgeous, charming, and, really, I can’t emphasize this enough, just smokin’ hot. (He is also rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of the wealthy Duke of Stanhope. Guess how that turns out.) In flashback, they meet, fall in love instantly, he proposes, there is a misunderstanding owing to her naivety and his cynical bastardism, and her world implodes. Two years later (page 150 or so), she comes back into his life, they are still irresistibly drawn to each other, they establish a fragile peace, she has to leave, he FINALLY realises it’s ALL his fault, humbles himself, repairs her reputation, marries her, and there’s, like, two chapters of wedded bliss. Then it all goes to hell again because secrets are bad, jumping to conclusions is unfair, and sometimes people are idiots. But don’t worry, you already know how it turns out.

Links to my other reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.

Saving Grace by Julie Garwood

book review February 14, 2012 Comments: 4

About a week ago, I woke up and all I wanted to do was read a romance novel. I am not proud, but I am trying to own my shame. I blasted through the two books I had in the guest room closet and have moved on to both the library and the bookstore for more. If you have never read “historical romance fiction”, I can fill you in:

All the lead characters exist on a kind of mix’n’match continuum as follows:

The Men

A. Reformed Rakes Make the Best Husbands (gorgeous cynical bastard)
B. Laconic Warrior (gorgeous gruff protector)
C. Ordinary Guy (If you are looking for him, go find LaVyrle Spencer)

There’s also a whole cowboy thing, but the Old West is too dusty.

The Reformed Rake will have lean muscle mass and feline grace. He is a charming companion and an excellent dancer. His cynical bastardism may be a result of a feminine betrayal in his back story.

The Laconic Warrior will be heavily-muscled and rip doors of their hinges: Giant oak doors with giant iron hinges. There is an excellent chance he will also be a Highland Laird. He will sleep out of doors and bathe in the lake, even in the dead of winter. He will be intimidating and often frighten women, but not the heroine, no, she will take one look and see the handsome man no one else has been able to see underneath all the tartan and scowling.

These men are overwhelmed by the protective impulse they feel for the enchanting bit of fluff they’ve just met. These are Men of Action and are not distracted by such trifles as feelings.

The following elements will usually appear in some form:

1. Clenched jaw with visible muscle twitch to show anger
2. Clenched teeth as he clings to restraint in the face of the lust she has innocently aroused in him, and he is holding back lest he overwhelm or harm the woman with the strength of his passion
3. No matter where he lives, he will be tanned from head to toe. This bronzed glow will be surprising, and pleasing, to the heroine.

The Women

A. Victim of Circumstance (beautiful pawn)
B. Wallflower (otherwise ignored fabulous woman)

They are slim, but curvy goddesses as a rule. They always have more book learnin’ than is historically accurate, but I appreciate this token feminism. The Victim of Circumstance is either rich and exploited, or poor and exploited. The Wallflowers just need someone to finally notice them.

The following elements will appear in some form:

1. Cascading hair
2. A naturally tiny waist not really requiring a corset.
3. She holds herself like a queen, or
4. She is accident prone.
5. The Reformed Rake will require a lot of forgiveness.
6. The Laconic Warrior will require her to recognize he loves her before he is able to give in to this vulnerability and tell her.

Things You Have to Overlook

Blatantly anachronistic elements mostly with regard to social and sexual mores. If I wanted historical accuracy, I’d read Jane Austen. Incidentally, the things the hero and heroine do during their intimate moments has gotten much more adventurous since I started reading these books in the 1980s. I find it distracting. I blame the mainstreaming of porn.

No one can get out of that period clothing so quickly. Just once, I wish the heroine would be inwardly cursing all the damn layers that are taking so long to remove.

The age difference of at least 10 years, specifically the youth of the women.

Consistent Narrative Elements

Blazes of sensuality
Synonyms for heat
Oblique references to male body parts
Even more oblique references to female body parts
There is a lot of arching
Verbal sparring
Losing control
Sighing
Someone will be “vexed”
Something will be “sinewed”
Many things will be sensual
Being a pirate is cool

I think you should be up to speed now, but before I start, I must tell you that the book included a bonus chapter from another of the author’s novels. It was set in present day Boston and our hero (read: Kennedy) meets his prospective partner at a charity event when he THROWS UP ALL OVER HER as he has appendicitis. Then, because she is a doctor visiting from out-of-town, she performs the appendectomy. That’s right: she performs a random minor surgery at a local hospital at which she has no privileges. This is why I stick to historical romance novels.

Interjection December 2013: This was a pretty good summary of the tropes of the 1990s, but things have changed since then. The hero and heroine types have not changed but the women tend to be older and more experienced now.

And now to the business at hand:

God’s truth, I can’t even remember the heroine’s name. Let’s see if it comes back to me. The setting is England in 1206. Something exciting has happened with King John and his barons. Johana (!) is recently widowed after years of torment at the hands of her verbally and physically abusive husband, and the family priest. Childless despite her years of marriage (That’s right! She’s not a virgin and she never knew it could be like this), she is a valuable pawn as she has land holdings in Scotland that have been in dispute. Having avoided remarriage as long as she can, she ventures with her loving brother, Nicholas, to make a political match by marrying Laird Gabriel MacBain, a gruff and gorgeous warrior. By marrying her, he gains full title to his clan lands, and she is safely removed from the proximity of those who would exploit her for her wealth (I know). Although he now has the land, he is cash poor and that’s where the whisky subplot comes in. There is also some stuff about clan infighting and which plaid she is wearing.

As Johana settles into her new life with the imposing Laird, his love and gentleness, honestly, he really is a teddy bear, help her to heal and find her own identity and role as his partner. Along the way, she kills a group of wolves with her bow and arrow, she learns golf, and she gets over her fear of his wolf hound. I have to go back to the wolves for a second. She kills 4 wolves and her husband sets the bodies on fire rather than making a blanket out of the wolf pelts. I’d want a wolf pelt blanket myself.

I chose this book because I was familiar with the writer. It’s dangerous to take a chance on these novels because they often used to include an assault in which the heroine’s “body betrays her” and she gives in and enjoys it, OR, or the hero starts raping her, realises she is a virgin and then, AND ONLY THEN, feels guilty for the assault. You can see how I’d want to avoid that. The entire genre is very repetitious in plotting (obviously) and Garwood loves a nice, obvious subplot involving court intrigue. Generally, I skip ahead to get back to the romance. It’s really what I’m looking for and she does a good job with it. I’m actually not a big fan of the Laird/Highlander genre. I prefer the cynical bastards; they are generally witty, charming and fiercely intelligent, and I like that in a sexually-objectified man.

I’ve already started reading my next book Almost Heaven by Judith McNaught. I loved it when I was 20 and expect I will love it again now. It features a gambling roué named Ian Thornton, rumoured to be the illegitimate grandson of the Duke of Stanhope.

Links to my other reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.

Freedom by Jonathan Franzen

book review February 20, 2011 Leave a comment

There is great pleasure in reading genuinely well-written prose and Jonathan Franzen is a writer who delivers exactly that. This is not a self-reflexive, ironic or meta book: Freedom is a good old-fashioned novel which takes its time with character and story. It is a tome. Franzen uses his undeniable prowess to create a rich portrait of his protagonists and their life. As in The Corrections, he creates an entire family’s world and the novels are linked thematically by the aphorism “the only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well”, self-destructive characters, and the fact that no good deed goes unpunished and no altruism is unsullied. As in The Corrections the result is extremely well-crafted, but somehow not enough.

Freedom examines the Berglund family: Walter, the father, is a good man, well-intentioned and frustrated on several levels. Patty is a mother of two who had the financial luxury to stay at home and try to create the family she herself had wanted. She is lost, also frustrated, and ignored by those whose attention she wants, and incapable of giving her full attention to those who crave it. They have a daughter, Jessica, who figures in the story peripherally (and as the ignored sibling that all literary families seem to have). Lastly is their son, and Patty’s golden boy, Joey. He is the product of too much love and indulgence. The family comes together and falls apart (but not necessarily in that order) over the course of the story. It is an examination of their middle class mid-western lives that reaches a kind of crescendo and allows them to move forward. As the story ranges through their lifetimes, Franzen devotes time to each of his major characters and gives each of them a kind of 360 degree portrait. I’m willing to give them a couple of short paragraphs.

Patty is fleshed out in an extended “autobiographical” section in the book. This allows her to be the most revelatory and detailed, but in the absence of the omniscient narrator, also lets Franzen create a full sense of her perspective, but not necessarily a realistic view of her world. Patty is sympathetic, but not likeable, and I strongly suspect that Franzen didn’t like her much either.

Walter chooses to do good works, but must uncomfortably attempt to straddle the line between his desire to help and the extent to which those with power will allow you to do so. He is easily the most sympathetic character.

Joey is an incomplete narcissist despite his own best efforts. We meet him after the damage of his childhood has been done and he is embarking on adult life. He acts in the same manner in both his personal and professional relationships: reckless and remorseless.

I wouldn’t have thought it possible that an extremely well-written book with artfully drawn characters could fall flat, but Freedom does.  Franzen’s downfall is that despite the unquestionable quality of his writing, the product is not equal to the sum of its parts. It became a slog. I was annoyed. It took me some time to figure out why. At first, I thought maybe Franzen needed an editor with a red pen and the will to wield it (don’t we all?), but that wasn’t it. Wasn’t there enough at stake for the characters? This is hardly the first book about Rich People’s Problems, so it is possible to create stories where the reader will genuinely care about the characters’ personal happiness.  In the end, I think that although the reader grows to understand the characters, we don’t like them very much and are not invested in their lives; moreover, Franzen doesn’t seem to have any love lost for them either. Despite this, the writing is so good it almost sustained and carried the book to the end, but eventually it flagged and faltered and left me unsatisfied.

After reading the book, it occurred to be that it could all be seen as a metaphor for the United States and its place in the world. I started to write about that too, but I realised that this is not an essay for a literature class, so I put away my charts and notes and clicked POST.

Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.

book review February 14, 2011 1 Comment

Should I have gone with Princess Selfrespectra instead?