Mrs. Julien Presents

When You Give a Duke a Diamond by Shana Galen

book review March 4, 2013 Leave a comment

I would love to start a proofreading/editing service for historical romance novelists. I’d hold the author’s hand and say things like, “It’s not really appropriate for the hero and heroine to get randy in the home of his recently deceased fiancée, especially as they are searching said home for clues as to her violent demise. It may come across as insensitive.”

When You Give a Duke a Diamond was like the movie The Return of the King: It had several endings starting about 70% of the way through, and then somehow managed to keep going via deus ex machinations and unnecessary complications. Also, that title is truly appalling.

The Plot: Will is an uptight Duke. Juliette is a famous courtesan. Something with murder and spies.

In addition to wanting to offer my services as an editor, I often read these books thinking an author has potential. Then I look her up on Amazon, discover she has published many novels, in this case eleven, and realise that this is as good as it’s going to get. Since Shana Galen is not paying me to be nice about it, here is what is wrong with this book:

It is a little too busy establishing its subplots.
There are too many subplots.
Will is “tired of fighting it”? It’s been, like, 37 hours.
Everyone is crazy beautiful.
The aforementioned excess of endings.
It needs more banter.
No one gets back and forth between London and Yorkshire that easily by carriage. This time would be well spent having Will and Juliette get to know each other (in the non-biblical sense).
Any romance that includes “Prinny” is instantly on notice. This is, admittedly, a personal issue.
JESUS CHRIST! TWO MURDERED DOGS?!

Here is what is right with this book:

The moments of tenderness are actually rather sweet.
The eruptions of violence are shocking and frightening.
There are some really fun touches of humour.
The hero must accept the heroine’s past as in no way indicative of her value, or morality, as a human being before his suit is even considered.
A particularly harrowing and thrilling triumph over one of the villains, even if his presence was deus ex machinations.

I might read more by Shana Galen, if the price is right: $1.99 or less/free from the library.

NEXT!

The Lion’s Lady by Julie Garwood

book review March 4, 2013 Leave a comment

This time, I’m kicking it old school…

I went through a romance genre phase after I graduated from university in 1990. I don’t think I read a so-called real book for about two years. My boyfriend at the time was ENDLESSLY horrified by my choices. Then, I woke up one day and went to the library for works by the Algonquin Round Table. That kind of awakening hasn’t happened so far, and as I’ve read what I believe to be everything good currently out there, I decided to go back and read an author from my last genre episode.

In the early 1990s, Julie Garwood was the best writer of historical fiction and, according to Wikipedia anyway, I can congratulate myself on my excellent taste as she was apparently important to the genre for introducing quirkier heroines and the use of humour. I read most of her historical output, and during my romance novel cleanse, her book The Gift was one of only two I kept. It was also the first thing I picked up when the current fever set in.

Here, in a nutshell, is Julie Garwood’s The Lion’s Lady:

Christina, is young, not quite 19, and bee-yu-ti-ful. As with all Garwood heroines, she has a sprinkle of freckles across her nose. Her mother fled an abusive marriage to a non-determinate European royal before dying and passing on her child to be raised by — wait for it — the Lakota Sioux. After a year of “Acting English” training, Christina has arrived in London to help her (villan alert!) aunt claim Christina’s inheritance before disappearing back to the Lakota. Oh, and her evil father is skulking in the wings twirling his moustache because of a subplot about stolen jewels. As Christina is Blondey-Blonde von Blondersen, I remember wondering in 1992, and again this time, why her skin apparently has no sun damage from 16 years living on the plains. Did her adoptive mother make her wear a bonnet?

The hero, the Marquis of Lyonwood (Lyon), is thirty-ish, the size of a door, very male, also patient.

I would describe this book as fluffy. The subplots are dead serious, but the love story is approached with lightness and whimsy. There is a playfulness to the writing which is quite charming. The love scenes were considered quite graphic at the time. They would still qualify as fairly explicit, but have nothing on what one can find today depending on one’s tastes. Last year, when I read my first romance with anatomically correct terms (The Devil in Winter) my eyebrows made it halfway up my skull.

I won’t be seeking out any more Garwood. The genre has developed since the early 1990s, and I have little patience for impossibly beautiful leads and a borderline creepy age difference. My recollection of the books at the time was that all the heroines were very young, chaste, beautiful Victims of Circumstance, and I greatly prefer the more mature Wallflower heroines that proliferate today.

(The other book I have kept all these years was Vows by LaVyrle Spencer. She was well-regarded in the genre for writing “real people” historical romances set in the United States in varying time periods. Spencer retired in the late 1990s, but her entire back catalogue is available for e-readers. Julie Garwood transitioned to contemporary hardcover romance and thrillers and is still publishing today.)

That’s a Bad Sign

book review March 1, 2013 Leave a comment

I tried to read Persuasion last night. I lasted about 3 pages. The prose nearly killed me. Where do I mail my English degree to have it rescinded?

The Mortification Continues

book review February 24, 2013 1 Comment

It’s official, in addition to the 2012 and 2013 versions of The Shameful Tally, I have a Shameful folder on my Kindle, and a brand new Shameful wishlist on Amazon.

With This Ring Series: Reforming a Rake, Meet Me at Midnight, and A Matter of Scandal by Suzanne Enoch

book review February 21, 2013 Leave a comment

More B+ romance from an author I go to in a pinch and only if the price is right. Suzanne Enoch is almost really good. Her romances leave something to be desired, but I can never quite put my finger on what. It may be that she’s not good at conveying passion, or maybe intimacy, or even besottedness. Love beyond the initial attraction? I’m still trying to puzzle it out.

Reforming a Rake

Amazon is giving a publication date of 2009, but the cover art tells a different story:

Despite appearances to the contrary, the hero is not Kevin Sorbo of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

Lucien Balfour, a rake and some sort of noble, needs a social tutor/guide for his country cousin. He is impeded by both the cousin’s gauche behavior, and the young woman’s vulgar, grasping mother. He hires Alexandra Balfour, a genteel-y impoverished lady, to act as her governess; not because of sterling references or experience, but because he really wants to have sex with Alexandra, and he figures she can teach his cousin to be alluring to men as well and thus get the young woman off his hands and out of the house with alacrity. Lucien and Alexandra fall in love, he locks her in his basement (in a fun way) for reasons I cannot begin to remember, they get married, the end.

I feel behooved to mention that only in romance novels can a name like Lucien, or Sebastian, be ruggedly masculine, although, truth be told, I actually like the name Lucien. Not enough to burden a child with it, but certainly well enough to aggrandize a cat, if I weren’t violently allergic to them, which I am.

Meet Me at Midnight

The woman’s 1987 prom dress appears to be sliding off her body.

I almost always like romance novels when they get married at the beginning. This is one of those.

Victoria Fontaine, nicknamed Vixen, is beautiful (Regency Elizabeth Taylor), bright, and vivacious. Tired of her “my eyes are up here” life, she’s a hoyden whose parents don’t know what to do with her; fortunately, she gets caught making out with her new acquaintance, Sinclair, Marquess Althorpe, at a party in Chapter One. Victoria’s parents know an out when they see one, so they insist these two gorgeous, sexy people marry right away.

Sinclair, nicknamed Sin, louche by all appearances, is the standard indolent-younger-son-who-was-never-supposed-to-inherit-and-now-has-to-make-good. Lucien (Kevin Sorbo up there) was in the same position. Sin has recently returned from a life of endless indulgence on the continent, but he was really a spy, of course. Victoria figures it all out pretty quickly and sets out to help him with the maguffin-y sub-plot.

Speaking of sub-plots, Vixen has a menagerie of animals that she brings to Sinclair’s house with her. Animals that, once again, are you listening romance novel authors?,cannot be house-trained. Plus there’s a parrot that repeats what was said during love scenes. It’s kind of charming, but also kind of COME ON! PARROTS DON’T LEARN PHRASES THAT QUICKLY!

Regardless of the bluebirds on her shoulder, Victoria and Sinclair are rather delightful together, and I enjoyed their jaunt to a happy ending. There were moments of genuine humour and Enoch did a good job at the falling in love narrative. I didn’t even mind their nicknames, Vixen and Sin, since they represent the personas they had hi— RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCH!

I just discovered that there is a third book in this series, A Matter of Scandal, and I scooped that sucker up on Amazon for $1.99 in 1.3 seconds flat. There will now be an indeterminate delay while I read the book and add it to this review.

[Muzac version of The Girl from Ipanema]

I’m about a third of the way through. So far, so good. Great banter, good chemistry. Funny.

Greydon Bsomething, Duke of Wycliffe is helping his uncle reorganize his finances and the first step was a huge and long overdue rent increase for all of his tenants. That’s endearing. The lovely redhead, Emma Grenville, who owns and runs the finishing school on the estate is displeased, to say the least, so she and the Duke enter into a wager to prevent the increase. She has to come up with a better plan than the Duke’s to fix his uncle’s finances. He has to teach a class at her school for some reason. Translation: They have to spend a lot of time together.

Wycliffe is gorgeous (natch), large (obvs), thinks all women are trying to ensnare him ( ’cause, you know, Duke), and is magnetically drawn (of course) to the bluestocking who doesn’t give a toss about any of it, except his dismissal of her school and efforts (natch). Apparently, the best way to improve someone’s opinion of women is to make him spend extended periods of time with a group of teenage girls. Has the author ever met a teenage girl?

Wycliffe is annoyingly arrogant so far. I’m hoping he’ll be taken down SEVERAL pegs.

[Muzak resumes]

There is a hilarious moment when Emma is giving Grey what for at a dinner party and his entire response is to silently wish everyone else would go away so he can enjoy her insults without interruption.

[Muzak transitions to We’ve Only Just Begun]

A Matter of Scandal

Why is Clint Eastwood pushing her into that rose bush?

Well, that was Enoch’s best effort: very funny, great chemistry, a romp; and once again, it was lacking something I can’t quite put my finger on. Do the leads need to talk to each other more? Talk to each other differently? Is there only sexual chemistry and no intellectual connection and therefore although that part works, it doesn’t go deeper? Is it something about the intimacy? Blargh!

I discovered another book in the series, The Rake, but it’s $7.59 on Amazon, so this won’t be happening any time soon:

Pity.

Also by Suzanne Enoch
The Rake (Tristan/Georgiana)
England’s Perfect Hero (Robert/Lucinda)
The Devil Wears Kilts (Ranulf/Charlotte)

Links to my other reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.

One Good Earl Deserves a Lover by Sarah MacLean

book review February 19, 2013 Leave a comment

Girl meets boy. Girl asks boy to ruin her. Boy refuses. Boy gives in.

I’ve read about 140 romance novels in the past year, and attempted another two or three dozen. I feel depressingly confident in saying that I’ve read all the good ones. At least, all the good ones that I can get my hands on, as I am unwilling to pay $7.99 each to purchase an author’s out of print backlog as it spills into Amazon’s Kindle stock. This means I do a lot of three things:

Wait for the good authors to release new books.
Take a chance on new authors on Amazon.
Try random library books with titles like: If You Give a Girl a Viscount Sex and the Single Earl Cloudy with a Chance of Marriage

Between the awful titles and covers, the publishers really do manage to convey what they think of their extremely profitable readership. This book has an awful title, too. I don’t blame the author. I’m sure she would have preferred something less excruciating.

One Good Earl Deserves a Lover is the second book in Sarah MacLean’s Regency Rule of Scoundrels series. Each book features one of four displaced lords who run a notorious, and therefore extremely fashionable and popular, gaming club called The Fallen Angel. The first book, A Rogue By Any Other Name, introduced the gentlemen, and told Bourne and Penelope’s story. That book was good, but the hero suffered from a prolonged case of Head Up Posterior. This book is much better, lovely in fact. It picks up exactly where the Epilogue of the last book left off. I love it when they do that!

Pippa Marbury is getting married in two weeks. She is a woman of insatiable intellectual curiosity and as such is extremely inquisitive about what to expect on her wedding night. Instead of doing the logical thing and throwing herself at her very nice, very boring fiance, she approaches a notorious rake to provide the “ruination” she seeks; however, Cross is not actually the roue he appears to be, so he naturally/correctly/wisely refuses Pippa’s request, but he doesn’t really want to. Hijinks ensue.

Cross (Jasper, Earl Something) is likeable, fiercely intelligent, and kind, a quietly tortured hero. He’s also a redhead which is extraordinarily unusual for heroes in the genre; what’s more, he’s tall and he gangles (H/T Douglas Adams). The men in these books are never short, but at 6’6″ Cross, dwarves Pippa. I’ve complained about the practicalities of height differences before. These are details that occur to me while reading romance novels and break my otherwise extraordinarily willing suspension of disbelief. What does absurdly tall Cross do when he wants to kiss Pippa? He picks her up, they both sit down, he kneels in front of her. Not in swooping romantic gestures, but simply as a practicality. It’s small details like this that make Sarah MacLean the writer she is and put her on my autobuy list. I’m so grateful for the effort to keep things logical.

Pippa is bespectacled and bookish. She’s odd. An intellectual at a time when such efforts would have been barred to her, she’s also rich and has disinterested parents, and thus free to follow her scientific interests. I don’t normally latch on to the heroines as much as the heroes, but I loved Pippa and related to her strongly. Her insistent uniqueness was really endearing. Pippa knows she’s unusual, she always has been, and while she doesn’t necessarily like it, she embraces it as who she is. In my family, speaking in a clever and complicated way is seen as a game. As a result, I tend to sound like a Gilmore Girl by way of Katharine Hepburn. It’s not a good thing. It’s a thing I was mocked for as a child and a thing that I still constantly try to temper in my everyday life: Don’t be too clever, don’t use words people might not know, don’t be too enthusiastic, don’t talk too quickly, don’t use references. I loved Pippa for being herself in a way I don’t often feel I’m allowed to be. Defiantly so. Defiantly curious, defiantly intellectual, defiantly demanding what she wants and needs, and being rewarded for it with a lovely man who genuinely understands, cares for, and delights in her.

And now I can go read Malin’s review of this book and see if we agree. We usually do.

Penelope by Anya Wylde

book review February 13, 2013 Leave a comment

An open letter to Anya Wylde author of Penelope (A Madcap Regency Romance)

Dear Ms. Wylde:

Sincere congratulations on completing and publishing your second novel. It is indeed a great achievement and one which I certainly cannot claim; however, I have read very, very many historical romances, so if it is true that novels are never finished only abandoned, I have some notes for you. If you have moved on, they might help with your next effort.

1. The writing itself is perfectly serviceable. The plotting, characters, tone, and editing are problematic.

2. The bit with “Are you thinking about your grandmother?” was very clever.

3. The heroine, Penelope, arrives at Duke’s London residence with a PET GOAT. She may be a bumpkin with no filter, but this is patently ridiculous. It is neither endearing, nor whimsical. It is malodorous and incontinent. Why not a puppy? It could grow up, calm down, and, this is the important part, be house-trained.

4. The reader is given two random and extremely brief scenes of Penelope’s dead mother in heaven looking down on her between rounds of tossing her halo for wolfhounds to fetch. Sure. Why? Give a dog to Penelope and kill the dead mother (and the damn goat).

5. Your hero, Charles, is an awful person and does not become any more tactful, likeable, or sympathetic as the story progresses. He finds Penelope gauche, embarrassing, and appalling. He tells her so regularly with spectacular insensitivity. He’s even rude to her in the Epilogue and refers to their children as “brats”.

6. Know your genre tropes: If the hero and heroine are opposites and set against each other, they must also have an intense sexual attraction underlying their interactions as they find common ground. Charles should find Penelope’s lack of pretension refreshing and charming, even if he doesn’t want to. Tell the reader what he is thinking. Penelope is flighty and blithers endlessly. He could help her feel comfortable and relax. She could help him remove the stick from his bottom.

7. Penelope and the duke’s sister act like 15 year olds. Why on earth would anyone be attracted to them, unless he/she too was a silly teenager? It makes the romantic relationship, such as it is, jarring and incomprehensible. Penelope may be sweet and well-intentioned, but she’s childlike.

8. Calling the story “madcap” does not excuse these elements:

The openly gay, openly transvestite modiste who teaches Penelope to be a “proper woman”, AND who is a peer AND a spy because of a late and inexplicable espionage subplot.
All the men have to wear a moustache to dinner to appease an elderly grandfather. This is silly, but it’s also a squandered opportunity. At some point, Penelope should either wear a moustache to dinner as a joke, or rip off the Duke’s in a fit of pique.
The lovelorn highwayman Penelope prattles into submission before the story even begins. Why did you not start with this episode?
The return of the lovelorn highwayman in some bizarre plotting which includes the Duke in costume declaring his love for Penelope despite the fact that he clearly can’t stand her.

9. I’m 99.96437% sure that no one in The Regency used the word diddlysquat.

Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,
Prolixity Julien

DIBS! My Romance Novel Title

book review February 1, 2013 1 Comment

Malin

Earls Just Wanna Have Fun

Prolixity

Daisy’s Duke
Earl of My Dreams
Put Up Your Dukes
Velvet Is for Viscounts

When scarf shopping, there is a very fine line between paisley and paramecia.

book review January 27, 2013 Leave a comment

Things That Occur to Me While Reading Historical Romance Novels

book review January 21, 2013 Comments: 2

They’re cold? What about the poor coachman on top of the carriage?
Nervous heroes always rub the back of their neck. Nervous heroines always bite their lips.
I wish I could do that sardonic raised eyebrow thing. People in these books always can.
Should I be hearing this with an English accent?
How do they kiss with that height difference?
Aren’t they freezing?
Just how big is this bed?
Yes, I’m sure the servants just love them.
That’s a lot of tongue.
There are more soldiers in Regency romances with PTSD than served in the Napoleonic Wars.
Does that bonnet come with a shepherd’s crook?
It doesn’t come with any peripheral vision, that’s certain.
It only takes a couple of pins to hold up waist length hair?
That’s not really feasible in the bathtub you just described.
Oh! Gloves. They’re probably wearing gloves. Mental note: Gloves.
That’s not how prostitution works.
He/she has been unconscious for days. I wouldn’t kiss someone with that breath.
Wouldn’t her hair be stuck to them with sweat? Doesn’t her hair get caught underneath them?
Didn’t you have to provide your own sheets in hotels back then?
Historically speaking, shouldn’t this guy have some truly ridiculous facial hair?
This castle should have a lot more minions.
She certainly got over her shyness quickly.
Aren’t nineteenth century settees too narrow for that sort of thing?
“Prinny”? I’m out.
You do not get to use “Lud” and “demme” AND “co*k” and “@ss”. Pick a lane.
You cannot make a gown by hand in 6 hours.
Shouldn’t she be wearing a corset?
That wouldn’t rip so easily.
The shift would rip. I’ll give you that.
He’s sardonic and just called her “Sweetheart”? I am so in.
Their hips brushed while dancing? You just said he’s a foot taller than her!
Could she sit in his lap while wearing a bustle?
I do so love a marriage of convenience plot.
Seriously? He just licked the roof of her mouth?
This whole House of Lords thing is quite a racket.
What is with the dress on the cover?
Unclean, UNCLEAN! (Specific to anything set before 1800)
Why do all romance novel children, no matter their age, act 5?
Shouldn’t they have more luggage?
And a second conveyance for luggage and servants?
Yes, I’m sure all of the “house wenches” are happy and safe.
I didn’t realise PTSD could be so selective in its outbursts.
That is not a pet that can be house-trained.
Her corset would slice her in half, if she bent over like that.
Bait and switch infertility, a romance author’s best friend.
Someone would have walked in on them.
Of course, the hero/heroine is the ONLY ONE with the necessary medical knowledge.
Another audition for a practically perfect prospective step-parent passed.

I also have a list of things that occur to me while reading contemporary romance novels.

My reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.