Things That Occur to Me While Reading Historical Romance Novels

  • They’re cold? What about the poor coachman on top of the carriage?
  • Nervous heroes always rub the back of their neck. Nervous heroines always bite their lips.
  • I wish I could do that sardonic raised eyebrow thing. People in these books always can.
  • Should I be hearing this with an English accent?
  • How do they kiss with that height difference?
  • Aren’t they freezing?
  • Just how big is this bed?
  • Yes, I’m sure the servants just love them.
  • That’s a lot of tongue.
  • There are more soldiers in Regency romances with PTSD than served in the Napoleonic Wars.
  • Does that bonnet come with a shepherd’s crook?
  • It doesn’t come with any peripheral vision, that’s certain.
  • It only takes a couple of pins to hold up waist length hair?
  • That’s not really feasible in the bathtub you just described.
  • Oh! Gloves. They’re probably wearing gloves. Mental note: Gloves.
  • That’s not how prostitution works.
  • He/she has been unconscious for days. I wouldn’t kiss someone with that breath.
  • Wouldn’t her hair be stuck to them with sweat? Doesn’t her hair get caught underneath them?
  • Didn’t you have to provide your own sheets in hotels back then?
  • Historically speaking, shouldn’t this guy have some truly ridiculous facial hair?
  • This castle should have a lot more minions.
  • She certainly got over her shyness quickly.
  • Aren’t nineteenth century settees too narrow for that sort of thing?
  • “Prinny”? I’m out.
  • You do not get to use “Lud” and “demme” AND “co*k” and “@ss”. Pick a lane.
  • You cannot make a gown by hand in 6 hours.
  • Shouldn’t she be wearing a corset?
  • That wouldn’t rip so easily.
  • The shift would rip. I’ll give you that.
  • He’s sardonic and just called her “Sweetheart”? I am so in.
  • Their hips brushed while dancing? You just said he’s a foot taller than her!
  • Could she sit in his lap while wearing a bustle?
  • I do so love a marriage of convenience plot.
  • Seriously? He just licked the roof of her mouth?
  • This whole House of Lords thing is quite a racket.
  • What is with the dress on the cover?
  • Unclean, UNCLEAN! (Specific to anything set before 1800)
  • Why do all romance novel children, no matter their age, act 5?
  • Shouldn’t they have more luggage?
  • And a second conveyance for luggage and servants?
  • Yes, I’m sure all of the “house wenches” are happy and safe.
  • I didn’t realise PTSD could be so selective in its outbursts.
  • That is not a pet that can be house-trained.
  • Her corset would slice her in half, if she bent over like that.
  • Bait and switch infertility, a romance author’s best friend.
  • Someone would have walked in on them.
  • Of course, the hero/heroine is the ONLY ONE with the necessary medical knowledge.
  • Another audition for a practically perfect prospective step-parent passed.

I also have a list of things that occur to me while reading contemporary romance novels.

My reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.

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2 thoughts on “Things That Occur to Me While Reading Historical Romance Novels

  1. Malin January 21, 2013 at 5:20 pm Reply

    I too, have wondered how the heck you go about licking the roof of someone’s mouth. It seems tricky. Some of the excessively “open-mouthed” kissing tends to strike me as a bit squicky as well, mainly because I get the mental image of the dude opening his mouth wide enough to perform mouth to mouth, which isn’t exactly erotic.

  2. Prolixity Julien January 21, 2013 at 7:00 pm Reply

    In one of my first reviews, I went on at length about the whole Gene Simmons-y-ness of the kissing in romance novels. Uck.

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