Things That Occur to Me While Reading Contemporary Romance Novels

  • I am so sick of billionaires. Can’t he just be really financially secure?
  • I am even more sick of autocratic, dom billionaires.
  • The nickname “Cherry” always sounds prurient.
  • “Babe” and “Baby” are worse. Have they no imagination?
  • I’ve worked in the C-suite of a major corporation. This is not how that works.
  • Aren’t they freezing?
  • Let’s be clear: He’s a tattooed biker billionaire military vet?
  • PTSD isn’t just for historical romances anymore.
  • I hate reunion plots. You broke up the first time for a reason.
  • Can’t anyone just work in a regular office at a normal job?
  • Why are all female fans called (buckle/puck etc.) bunnies?
  • Isn’t it sexist to judge other female characters for having casual sex?
  • This is the part where I consciously ignore all of my pro athlete stereotypes.
  • Where do they get all this disposable income?
  • Freakin’ dudebro sexism! “You’re such a girl, dude. Are you on your period?”
  • Does everyone have a dead parent? Is this a Disney movie?
  • I wish I could sardonically raise my eyebrow like people in these books always can.
  • Not every guy has to have a tattoo.
  • Falling in love with someone new doesn’t mean your other loves weren’t real.
  • Do young women really use those words to refer to their body parts? Ew. Am I old?
  • Landing a dream job in a competitive industry is so easy.
  • Being good at math is the only requirement for becoming a zillionaire.
  • Where are these men who want to lavish me with expensive presents?
  • I’m glad I don’t need to understand football to read about its players.
  • Clearly, the author said, “I’m going to show them 50 Shades done right!”
  • I need to ignore the fact that they are the same age as my nieces and nephews.
  • Just once, I’d love an awkward or indifferent step-parent nominee hero or heroine.

From Mallory Ortberg on The Toast:

  • Men should have a TON of money but not care about it for even a SECOND, he should literally forget he even has money, he should whisk you away on a helicopter and then when you try to tip the pilot in cash he’s like “what are those weird little flat green dudes in your wallet?” because he doesn’t care about money at all even though he has so much of it.

From The Other Jane in the comments:

  • I don’t get the “impromptu whisked away by a billionaire to a halfway deserted/private island” storyline. It seems like it would be so disruptive to the other person’s schedule.

I also have a list of things that occur to me while reading historical romance novels.

My reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.

8 thoughts on “Things That Occur to Me While Reading Contemporary Romance Novels

  1. evelynaster March 4, 2016 at 1:00 am Reply

    I love this list!

    • Prolixity Julien March 4, 2016 at 8:21 am Reply

      Thank you, suggestions are welcome. I’m going to keep adding to it.

      • evelynaster March 4, 2016 at 6:02 pm

        Well, in regards to your comment about judging other female characters’ promiscuity, why do the female main characters need to be virgina,l either literally or they haven’t had sex in so long their like a virgin? And the word vajayjay needs to die now and be abolished from all stories it’s in.

  2. The Other Jane March 6, 2016 at 12:33 am Reply

    I don’t get the “impromptu whisked away by a billionaire to a halfway deserted/private island” storyline. It seems like it would be so disruptive to the other person’s schedule.

  3. Prolixity Julien March 6, 2016 at 9:58 am Reply

    YES! I am updating the list accordingly.

  4. Malin March 14, 2016 at 4:19 pm Reply

    This is such a good list, you are very good at them. You could have included SO many more points from Mallory Ortberg’s amazing list of things she “learned” from romance novels. That list is my mantra. My favourites are “mouth like a genocide” and “making a bed of oak and devotion”.

  5. Prolixity Julien March 14, 2016 at 4:26 pm Reply

    Mallory Ortberg so talented, if I quoted more, I’d be like a physicist positing a theory constructed of nothing but Einstein quotes. The one I picked was the one that occurs to me CONSTANTLY.

  6. Mallory January 23, 2017 at 2:11 am Reply

    This list and the historical one make me laugh out loud because I have the same thoughts.

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