Insatiable I and II by J.D. Hawkins

Ladies and gentlemen, I have read about 400 romance novels and seen a lot of tropes, but Insatiable has done it. The hero of this book achieves CLICHE APOTHEOSIS. He is arrogance in human form, a vain, cocksure stereotype.

Insatiable II: Insatiabler was the obvious title for the second book in this duet and a missed opportunity on Amazon’s part, but I’ll still let them set the tone:

Lust-maker. Pleasure giver. Fantasy creator. I can blow your mind in five seconds flat — but trust me, you’ll want this to last all night.

There’s not a woman in the city who can resist me. Except one.

Now she’s got a proposition: Seven days. Every position. No strings attached.

She wants to know what she’s been missing.

Who am I to say no?

Hero Person lives in the most superificial city on earth, Los Angeles, and somehow raises the narcissism bar. Slutboy is perfect looking and clueless, a parody of a confident, successful man. He sends the heroine a picture of his abs while he works out. Faithless Jaden talks about women the way we worry men talk about us by reducing us to our body parts and manifest bangability. His best friend is a dudebro. They surf and choose which chicks on the beach they’re gonna bang. They do the same in bars, but only with the world’s choicest pieces of ass. All of the women stop whatever they are doing whenever Machismo Moron walks into a room, as well as a certain percentage of the men, one assumes. King Stud is the one every man wants to be and every woman wants to be with. Just ask him, he’ll tell you, and if you’re lucky, he’ll magnanimously choose to sleep with you. Tool Time is rich and glamourous, a celebrated architect who built his life up from nothing according to the three seconds of half-assed sympathetic backstory he shares.

Manwhore stops in his tracks when he sees Lizzie, but she’s not single. Don’t worry, the second she is, they get it on. He was about to share his Little Manwhore with another woman, but he casts that loser aside. Lizzie and Cologne Ad start to get busy on their host’s bed at a party because that is how classy grown-ass humans conduct themselves. Vainglorious Asshat is mesmerized by Lizzie and the way she can use him and leave. But wait. She wants something more and he’s fascinated, so the Reformation of a Rake and a Marriage of Convenience turns into the Pig Becomes a Person and Fuck Lessons. She can’t believe her luck. Preenboy is so amazing and he’s chosen her! He’s universally attractive, movie star handsome, and ripped. He even drives a Ferrari. (Red? “Do I look like an amateur?”)

Lizzie has just gotten out of a long-term relationship and wants to learn to be the world’s best lay so she can hold on to the next one. Not that the last one was worth keeping, but the story needed a dated, sexist cliche to latch onto to justify the temporary relationship. Douchecanoe is just the one to teach her the superficial skills she needs to please a man. When Lizzie meets a new guy, of course, he turns out to be all that is boring, traditional, and repressed. Because in all the world, there are only two men: the kind of guy who tosses your salad in a utility closet at a friend’s wedding to show up your ex and his new girlfriend (actual scene) and the beige guy in chinos. But wait. Lizzie’s magical ladyland becomes all Funky Jockstrap can think about. They’ve been together for three days of coitus, he’s managed to sabotage her new relationship, and now he wants a commitment. Can Lizzie trust Lounge Lizard? Can Boastful Beefcake be what she needs?

This story has been done well before. Many times. What those books have and these books lack is a sincere emotional connection for the leads to build on and, no, having relations slowly while  looking each other in the eye doesn’t count.

Links to my other reviews can be found on my complete reading list of books sorted by author or Author Commentary & The Tallies Shameful.

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